it bites

been here about a week now, and after the explosion that was the juggling convention all the old behaviours a trickling back in.

depression bites again, not hard or latching,
but just enough to keep sending me off for cups of tea instead of working,
to let me sap myself of the creative engery i need to play with my loved ones,
enough to make me so very fucking tired all the fucking time.
enough to let blame creep into my voice again.

it's as though all the tension i was holding in myself for the last few months has gone slack, but failed to unwind. so i find myself hanging like a sausage between two points, sagging.

it's really not all bad, after all this is my new workspace:
it's physically pleasant to be in this room, and just writing this makes me feel better.

oh, i think i'm dependant on stimulants... the smell of coffee has made me content...

shit.

well this didn't really turn into anything, but i feel better.

thank you imagined audience!!

martin, i'm so moved by your post of a weekish ago,
nothing could ever capture the friend ship we've had, and i'm so glad for everything we've been for each other over these last 4 years. thank you, you humble me.

rawr

>:3

freedom

we are not entities that can experience freedom as a Platonic ideal. we require too much from the world to maintain our physical existence.

true freedom is not getting anything you want, it is not wanting anything.

in a very real sense it's the nihilist ideal, absolute autonomy from desire. once achieved then you are absolutley free from Control and from another's Authority.

gaining freedom from Authority and Control works both ways, and it is biologically unsound to be free from control. were we to lay down and not express our autonomy we would very quickly cease to be.

for as long as your desires are contrived for you, coded into you, and generated externally then you aren't free, though you are autonomous to choose between desires and needs.everything between these two understandings are shades blending towards one another.

you're generally a lot happier when you recognise your autonomy and disregard the need for freedom. which is exaclty what the government requires of us to maintain status quo; it's not a good thing, nor a bad thing, it just is & the consequences abound.

Death cannot be Freedom, for there is nothing left to experience, you cannot make another choice or exercise any autonomy. when someone says "she's free now" they're really saying "I'm free now" & the responsibilities of that freedom are crushing, emotionally complex and take years to resolve.
a person isn't their legal duties, a person isn't their work role, nor their relationships with others. a person is simply this physical presence, this vital and withering vessel, nothing more. & that is so very, very liberating that it's enough to lift all the cloying layers we build around ourselves, if only we remember once in a while & accept the responibility of autonomy.

much love.

>;3