{being decentred, and i chastised by i for hypocrisy]
i was just about to demand of martin a blog post, because i haven't heard from him in a week. but i decided that considering all my posts' of late had been responses i should instead invite response.
but what do i actually want to talk about?
i'm awfully hard on myself, never saying so many thoughts because of how i perceive the conversations would continue on from that point. for instance i was going to write...
"i find myself at a crossroads that seems to be echoed in the collective unconscious. the indecision in the political landscape of australia plays out much like my confluence of opinions about my departure from newcastle and the doubt that massive upheaval brings to bear on all my relationships."
but this felt instantly disingenuous, as most everybody has actually made up their minds, it's just that an unsuitable number of voters decided in a majority, making the indecision a perceived after thought, not the actual experience of any individual. also i didn't want consoling about the process of moving, nor about the transience of relationship doubts. as with my take on misogyny these feel unoriginal and as such, ingenuine. but more than either of these, and the reason i had to frame what occurred to me initially in this way is that once i've created something of excellence, something that has resonated with people and given insight and enjoyment, i don't want to post something which doesn't reverberate through the minds i touch. {or at least something i perceive as not possessing that quality}
such is the tone of this space, of this writerly voice i adopt in this space, that i hold myself enthralled to my own creative doubts in the very same way that it allows me to express in a voice that is of my making, but not my own.
much like many, many, many writers before me.
and yet i couldn't have it any other way, merely because this makes sense. because i want this challenge, so that when i alight here i am forced to become this mode, express just so, and feel i achieve something entirely for myself.
solipsism is a beauteous thing.
but what do i actually want to talk about?
i'm awfully hard on myself, never saying so many thoughts because of how i perceive the conversations would continue on from that point. for instance i was going to write...
"i find myself at a crossroads that seems to be echoed in the collective unconscious. the indecision in the political landscape of australia plays out much like my confluence of opinions about my departure from newcastle and the doubt that massive upheaval brings to bear on all my relationships."
but this felt instantly disingenuous, as most everybody has actually made up their minds, it's just that an unsuitable number of voters decided in a majority, making the indecision a perceived after thought, not the actual experience of any individual. also i didn't want consoling about the process of moving, nor about the transience of relationship doubts. as with my take on misogyny these feel unoriginal and as such, ingenuine. but more than either of these, and the reason i had to frame what occurred to me initially in this way is that once i've created something of excellence, something that has resonated with people and given insight and enjoyment, i don't want to post something which doesn't reverberate through the minds i touch. {or at least something i perceive as not possessing that quality}
such is the tone of this space, of this writerly voice i adopt in this space, that i hold myself enthralled to my own creative doubts in the very same way that it allows me to express in a voice that is of my making, but not my own.
much like many, many, many writers before me.
and yet i couldn't have it any other way, merely because this makes sense. because i want this challenge, so that when i alight here i am forced to become this mode, express just so, and feel i achieve something entirely for myself.
solipsism is a beauteous thing.
posted by Zip Durango | 5:59 PM
3 Comments:
my indominible and terrific friend Lux <3 had this to say.
I say, good work old chap. General thoughts abouts your move are bullshit. Friendships are not defined by proximity or how often you see a person face to face. the internet should have taught us this some years ago, or at least it taught me. Kia, who I consider one of my closest friends, is a person I am in conversation with for a good 20 hours a week, and I've never met her, and our conversation is never along the lines of "so, how are you? good, lol, omg games, let's distract ourselves so we can bear to be in the same room while never actually interacting." Aside from sharing information, you really can't do that online, you can skirt around a say a lot of inconsequential things, but at the end of the day, radio silence is complete silence and not something that we tend to dress up in real life.
The people who define a person's whole experience of another based on proximity and convenience is a person who, while not being bad while they're around, will always eventually be pruned. Every person has a certain amount of space they take up in your life, some who demand more than others, and when those people cost you but don't bear fruit (not to say immediate reward, but support and propogation of growth that a person needs to remain and continue to be healthy) then there will come a point when a pruning either happens (in a storm) or is voluntary (through forcing a situation to a head or directly removing people from your life). It is far easier to do this at a point of your own choosing, like moving on in your own life, whether physically, spiritually or emotionally, then to have something happen for you to realise that you were relying on people who won't come through for you when you need it.
Any person who is being trite about the status of your friendship because of distance is a person who has proven their need to be pruned without any pain. This is a good thing. The moment you live your life for the comfort and convenience of others is the moment you cease to be your own person. Funny thing is, while a person would cling to your sleeves and beg you not to leave, that they'd be lonely without you and that you should tailor your life to fit nicely into theirs is a person who wouldn't do the same for you. They have a tendency to believe that every human only exists while they're in their own sight and not outside.
Your move is a good thing. You're asserting your own needs and chasing your bliss, which is admirable, and finding those who are worth saving, which is a good thing. If you get to do this while content in who you are, then I think you deserve everything you chase down and ravage.
xx
I wasn't going to comment, but Lux pushed me to it.
Zip, I've done this. There was about a year of angst and upset and at least one fractious, horrible break. You get (and you *will* get) to a stage where the people who matter are still with you - by phone, by email, by mail - and these people who matter are the same ones you'll be able to take up with right where you left off, the next time you see them face to face. As though you haven't been away for months.
It works, so long as you don't agonise over it while you're with them. You're all just moving in different spheres and you can place more value (calmly and happily) on the times those spheres intersect again.
My metaphors are butt-ugly but I believe what I'm saying to be true.
Interesting post - though I'm not sure which part to respond to: a) you're leaving town and feeling ambivalent about it, or b) you have a couple of reasons not to write about leaving town and feeling ambivalent about it.
Hmm...
I disagree almost completely with Lux and Eljen. Lux's ideas are particularly harsh: "pruning" those surplus relationships, the unbearableness of physical togetherness, "bearing fruit" (economic rationalism much!?), and that lurking villain of the piece - the Person Who Won't Reciprocate And Is Just Saying They'll Miss You. This is all pretty dire negative stuff, and it makes it sound like you're not losing anything by leaving. I also think Lux is raising a deeper issue about whether relationships should be symmetrical with their give and take.
Eljen too acknowledges that moving is emotionally difficult, but then follow's Lux's lead and divides your Newcastle relationships up into the people who matter... and, by implication, the people who don't. Time and distance, in this view will help you differentiate the two - a sort of long distance litmus test.
Can any of this help you sever with a smile?
*
And how am I to respond!?
My friend Az is always telling me about how permanent things are worth so much more than transient things. In fact, transient things are hardly worth "investing" in (there's that economic rationalism again) because they won't keep you happy permanently. Ironically, Az is leaving the country next year - how can anyone disdain transience and then walk away? Wouldn't you stay for good?
Similarly, Lux and Eljen are trying to console you with the knowledge that the relationships that really matter are only the ones that last. For Lux, distance is not an obstacle at all. For Eljen, distance is a superable obstacle. But for both of them, there's no substantive loss.
And where does this leave me? With nothing to complain about?
*
I've said goodbye to a lot of people over the past decade. I feel like Penelope in the Odyssey - the one who stays behind and is tested not for her bravery but for her patience and loss.
And you're leaving town, and this is a loss for me. I'm going to miss you a lot, and it won't be the same without you. Text and talk is no substitute for your hugs, your hilarity, your seriousness, your handsomeness. I will want you in the same room as me. We're not embodied for no reason - we are meant to be together real-to-real.
And it's a loss for me - I felt so hurt reading Lux and Eljen's comments, as if you leaving was ultimately No Big Deal, and your bright and shining future of cultural significance awaits you. While I hang out in Hicksville, with my cows, my corn and my almanack. Y'all come back now, y' hear? Don't y'all be a stranger.
*sigh*
Well, I'll miss you Zip. I'll miss you plenty. And just because it didn't last that doesn't make it any less meaningful to me.
I don't even know if I can publish this.
Holy shit.
*rides Burgess off into sunset*
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